Jet Lag or Chasing or What Was--Will Never Again Be

Perhaps there is jet lag going in both directions, perhaps it was fatigue, perhaps it was adrenaline, but some how an egg hatched into a larvae and began carving trails weakening my control centers.

It began on the last three nights of our China visit. We went out drinking and eating and dare I confess, I was smoking (those who knew me in grad school won't be terribly surprised I know, but everyone else, I'm sure will be). We were finally relaxed, really relaxed. We ate the local food. Drank local beer. I was energized to the point that I was on fire.

When we came back, I was sleep deprived, adrenaline deprived, and trying desperately to recapture the fire. The worm burrowed deeper in... The sleep deprivation fueled my weakening center. I consciously tried to allow it, perhaps I tried to allow it because I was sleep deprived, perhaps because my head was spinning, perhaps because I needed the adrenaline, perhaps because I liked it. In any case, I didn't try hard to climb out of the hole I slipping into, in fact I tried to loosen my grip, daring myself to fall or willing someone to push me in or lower me down. Luckily for me, the larvae could not survive in my centers and began dying. I'm sad to say good bye to the heady rush, to the adrenaline, to the overwhelming sensations of my soul on fire. It's time to stop chasing the sun and time to accept that what was will never be. It pains me, but it is time to put away childish things. I am thankful for the experience, I learned, again, to take time to nurture my soul by writing and by being with others, by being involved. I also gain at least one good friendship along the way, as long as my childish weaknesses didn't destroy it at the same time that I was building it; only time will tell. I must learn to maintain my strength. As much as I would like to allow the weakness to be my excuse, it is not an excuse. Be strong.